Traversing My Heart

Trite but true, “The only guarantee in life is that things will change.” Self-admittedly, I like change; however, change often stirs up your life in unfamiliar ways. These past few months have been full of rapid cycles of change. I am thinking differently about this world and my relationships with those in it.  

God has been putting on my heart things that I need to reconcile within myself and those I need to reach out to with arms of forgiveness.  When I think about the relationships that I struggle with – by far- my biggest struggle is that with my mother. Due to my own neurosis, and my life experiences, I have somewhat limited my relationship with her by how much I let her in. When I think about who I really am, it saddens me that she really doesn’t know or understand me fully. Now, my responsibility is to change that – to the extent that I can; however, the problem lies in not knowing how to do that. How do you open up when your instincts are yelling for you to protect yourself?

I often think that I haven’t given my mom the full opportunity to see who I am. I withhold details about my personal life due to fear of how things will be received and as a path of least resistance. Unfortunately, that precludes me from reaping the benefits of maternal support and love.  Deep within my soul, I know that my mother loves me more than herself and would do anything for me. How do I bridge the gap between that knowledge and actively opening up to her?  I am able to openly discuss compartmentalized topics with her with little to no reservation…the challenge becomes opening the flood gate and allowing her access to otherwise prohibited parts of me.  Here’s to the journey for continued growth. God’s patience with me is astounding.

Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.

3 Nephi 5:72